I can’t be positive right now.

My worst fear and insecurity is showing people how sad I am sometimes. People know me as “the sweetest, happiest person they’ve known”. I’m sorry to disappoint you all.

I don’t want to feel unwanted. I don’t want to feel like they are counting down the days before I finally move out of the house for 6 months to go to Disney World. I want to feel missed, appreciated, and loved. I know you’re probably thinking, “Courtney, you’re going to Disney World. Be excited”. I am excited, but I am two months away and slowly realizing that my family is more excited about the fact that I am leaving town than going to Disney. And it hurts me. Finally, I will be a burden off their shoulders. I will officially be my own person. They will finally only have to feed their mouth, their significant others mouth, and my siblings. No more relying on them, even though I haven’t been already. I guess seeing me everyday has put a dimmer on their life and they just don’t want to see my face anymore. And can we talk about the fact that when I truly truly need to go to my dads a few days early, he states “Wednesday is date night. No kids on Wednesday. Just come Thursday.” I fucking KNOW it’s date night. Why can’t you understand that I am hurting and I needed you this ONE fucking time. Definitely noted, father. I will remember this. Thanks again! Why does nobody want me?

I know I am nineteen, but before I go to Disney, I didn’t want to feel like I am already alone??? Tears are dropping  and covering my laptop. Sorry laptop.

So my mom put these bins in my room. They’ve been sitting in the corner of my room, empty, with pieces of paper taped to them with pink sharpie letters spelling out “SELL” and “DONATE”. I am tempted to donate and sell all my clothes. Maybe then, I can finally start fresh. A clean slate. Because once my slate is clean and ready for change, I will never have to come back to the mess left behind that is my family.

So instead of talking about how excited things will be for me soon, sad things are coming too. I don’t know if things will positively change within the next two months, but if not, I might not be seeing my family for awhile, and not only because of Disney, but because they have pushed me far far far away..

Please, if you know me, please don’t share this. please don’t show people my sadness. I needed to type this out. I needed to somehow believe someone is reading this and seeing my pain, but please don’t make me a laughing stock. I will be fine. I always am.

“Create A YouTube Channel” I said

For years, I have loved watching other people create funny, cute, inspiring videos and upload them to YouTube. This year, one of my resolutions was to “Create a YouTube Channel”. Keep in mind I’ve said this for years, but I’ve always been scared of what people would say, or I would give up because I didn’t know what to film. I’ve always wanted to be on the screen. So finally, I created my channel. I created it around January 8th, and about two months later, I have around 250 subscribers. HELL YEAAAHHHHHH. Okay, obviously not the highest number you’ve ever seen a youtuber have, but it’s something! I hope you guys want to join me on my YouTube experience by watching my videos and subscribing!

My YouTube Channel

 

Also, I suggest that if there is anything you’ve been wanting to do for a long time but have not gotten around to do it, DO IT. Stop pushing it away and start pulling it closer to you. It’ll just be the beginning and everything will only rise from here on out!

Xoxo, Courtney Leigh

Four Months.

I know it has been four months, but I still look for you everywhere I go. Sometimes I feel like we could just pick up where we had left, right before we fought. We were bestfriends, but I guess if we were truly bestfriends, nothing would get in between us. So I guess we weren’t bestfriends, but it sure felt real. It felt like a breakup with a boyfriend, but worse because from my past experience,  I truly believe bestfriends are supposed to stick around for the rest of your life. One time I thought I saw you. My heart raced, I couldn’t think straight, and I began to panic. That’s when I realized it still hurts my heart. From the minute we met, I instantly fell in love with our friendship. You made me feel confident, happy, and safe with you. I wish I could say I still felt the same. It’s been four months since we last texted. It’s been four months since I’ve seen your smile. Late at night, I tend to think about our lost friendship. It’s been four months, and I still miss you. I know it could never be the same with us. I know that if we ever see each other in person again, we will probably look the other way. I know that we have become strangers with memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thanks for a great summer and thanks for the year of friendship, stranger. If only you knew I was thinking of you.

Many Firsts

In the past two weeks, I have experienced two very different types of celebrations. One of these events were to celebrate a union of a man and woman, and the other was the celebration of a life that once was and now was gone.

My First Wedding

I was so excited to go to a wedding. Being eighteen years old, you would think I had gone to a wedding before, but this was the first one I have ever attended. The moment I got there, I knew I would love it more then anything. And I did. There was so much love in one place, so many beautiful people expressing their feelings, and so much happiness filled the air. It felt as if I were in a movie itself. Going to this wedding made me excited for my own wedding in the far future.

After being to a wedding, you’d think all is right in the world. Seeing two beautiful people want to spend the rest of their life together because they loved each other could make everyone feel as though they were in love themselves.

All is well in the world, until it’s not.

My First Funeral

It truly didn’t hit me that my friend was gone forever until I walked into the building for the service. He was only nineteen years old, we were the class of 2016 together, and he was on his way to college. How am I supposed to react when someone texts me out of the blue and says “Hey, did you hear he died”? Of course I didn’t hear he died, because he couldn’t have! He is only nineteen! We go to church together!

How am I supposed to react when multiple people are texting me and saying “His death was an accident, he’s gone”. Shock. Disbelief. You don’t know how to react. Is this real? A week passes by and nothing. You continue to go to classes, see friends, and watch movies. Then you attend the service.

Yesterday, August 28th 2016, I attended my first funeral. Yesterday, everything became clear. Yesterday, I realized he was gone.

I believe it’s okay to grieve for the ones you’ve lost. It’s also okay to celebrate the time you had with them. You’ll wish you had more time with them, that you hugged them a little longer then you had, and you’ll wish they were sitting next to you right now. And that’s okay.

These two extremely different events made me realize that life is way to short. Always make sure you know you’re loved and the ones around you are loved. You never know how long you have on Earth, so you need to make your seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years count.

Don’t worry about the past and don’t worry about the future. Worry about the NOW.

Congratulations to the beautiful wedded husband and wife.

and

Congratulations to God for getting a beautiful young man who has entered heaven. You’ll be missed.

 

 

New Year, New Realization

I’m about one week into the new year, and I’ve realized something that I think all girls should realize.

  • Each time we are interested in a guy, and we get up the courage to talk to that guy, we pretty much become invested in that one guy.

 

Well, being a girl who hasn’t been in a long relationship since three years ago, it was a little unusual for me to work up the courage to talk to a guy and show that I was interested in him. So when I actually worked up the courage to talk to this guy (lets give him the name “Lance”), and when we started talking, I was pretty excited (and a little shocked).

We talked for about two weeks until we had an “epic, spontaneous adventure” to Walmart for Black Friday. It was fun! One thing I forgot about myself whenever I’m starting to like someone is that I become super awkward and blush 24/7, but he didn’t seem to mind! A few days later, he asked me to go on a dinner date with him! So, reading this, you’d think things were going pretty smooth! So did I! We saw each other maybe once a week until about three weeks ago when he completely stopped asking me “what are you doing today? When are we going to hang”… There were no more “Hey! What time do you work til? 4 pm? Okay, I’m coming”…

About two weeks of no seeing each other went by, and I was getting annoyed, but I knew that we both went to different school and he was probably just busy!

Finally, we talked about everything.

“Courtney, you’re beautiful and so sweet and I’m interested in you, I just don’t know what I want right now”. WAIT? So i’ve wasted around TWO months talking to you, and you don’t know if you want a relationship….

What confused me more was that after Lance and I had our heart to heart, he began calling me beautiful all the time, texting me even more frequently, etc. I gave him one more week to see if things would change. They didn’t, and all the sudden (yesterday) he stopped talking to me completely, and I was just done with it. By this point, I already knew it was over, and honestly I felt worse leading up to talking to him about it then it actually happening and me telling him what’s up.

 

Last night (this is when we talked about it), I straight up said “Lance.. We’ve been talking for about two months, I like you. We are “talking”, right”? All I wanted to hear was “yes, we’re talking. I’m not ready for a relationship, but yeah we are talking because I like you and I think that this could lead into a relationship if we continue to talk”.

He straight up told me that he really likes me, but he isn’t sure if he wants a relationship, but he also doesn’t want to lead me on, and he told me I can continue to talk to him, but I can talk to other people too, but he wouldn’t say that continuing to talk to him would lead into a relationship with him, so ever since that conversation, I have stopped talking to him.

I don’t technically feel happy about this, because I did like him and I wanted to get to know him better and see where it could go. But, I do feel happy with the fact that I believe that I learned a valuable lesson through all this.

I finally feel ready to date again. For the longest time after my breakup of a year, I’ve felt like no one would like me. Since I have put myself out there. and it sort of worked for awhile, I feel safe to say I am ready to start showing interest in guys when I feel the need!

I’ve learned that I want someone who knows what they want and I want someone who is straight forward with me from the beginning.

I am definitely seeing this as a learning experience and I know all things happen for a reason.

I don’t see this as an end to something but just a step in the right direction!!

Also, Thank you “Lance” for showing me what I’m looking more in a guy! You honestly could’ve been a great boyfriend, but that’s okay! Maybe you’ll realize that with the next girl that comes in your life! This clearly just means you weren’t the right guy for me, and that’s okay!

 

XOXO, Courtney Leigh