I can’t be positive right now.

My worst fear and insecurity is showing people how sad I am sometimes. People know me as “the sweetest, happiest person they’ve known”. I’m sorry to disappoint you all.

I don’t want to feel unwanted. I don’t want to feel like they are counting down the days before I finally move out of the house for 6 months to go to Disney World. I want to feel missed, appreciated, and loved. I know you’re probably thinking, “Courtney, you’re going to Disney World. Be excited”. I am excited, but I am two months away and slowly realizing that my family is more excited about the fact that I am leaving town than going to Disney. And it hurts me. Finally, I will be a burden off their shoulders. I will officially be my own person. They will finally only have to feed their mouth, their significant others mouth, and my siblings. No more relying on them, even though I haven’t been already. I guess seeing me everyday has put a dimmer on their life and they just don’t want to see my face anymore. And can we talk about the fact that when I truly truly need to go to my dads a few days early, he states “Wednesday is date night. No kids on Wednesday. Just come Thursday.” I fucking KNOW it’s date night. Why can’t you understand that I am hurting and I needed you this ONE fucking time. Definitely noted, father. I will remember this. Thanks again! Why does nobody want me?

I know I am nineteen, but before I go to Disney, I didn’t want to feel like I am already alone??? Tears are dropping  and covering my laptop. Sorry laptop.

So my mom put these bins in my room. They’ve been sitting in the corner of my room, empty, with pieces of paper taped to them with pink sharpie letters spelling out “SELL” and “DONATE”. I am tempted to donate and sell all my clothes. Maybe then, I can finally start fresh. A clean slate. Because once my slate is clean and ready for change, I will never have to come back to the mess left behind that is my family.

So instead of talking about how excited things will be for me soon, sad things are coming too. I don’t know if things will positively change within the next two months, but if not, I might not be seeing my family for awhile, and not only because of Disney, but because they have pushed me far far far away..

Please, if you know me, please don’t share this. please don’t show people my sadness. I needed to type this out. I needed to somehow believe someone is reading this and seeing my pain, but please don’t make me a laughing stock. I will be fine. I always am.

Advertisements

“Create A YouTube Channel” I said

For years, I have loved watching other people create funny, cute, inspiring videos and upload them to YouTube. This year, one of my resolutions was to “Create a YouTube Channel”. Keep in mind I’ve said this for years, but I’ve always been scared of what people would say, or I would give up because I didn’t know what to film. I’ve always wanted to be on the screen. So finally, I created my channel. I created it around January 8th, and about two months later, I have around 250 subscribers. HELL YEAAAHHHHHH. Okay, obviously not the highest number you’ve ever seen a youtuber have, but it’s something! I hope you guys want to join me on my YouTube experience by watching my videos and subscribing!

My YouTube Channel

 

Also, I suggest that if there is anything you’ve been wanting to do for a long time but have not gotten around to do it, DO IT. Stop pushing it away and start pulling it closer to you. It’ll just be the beginning and everything will only rise from here on out!

Xoxo, Courtney Leigh

Four Months.

I know it has been four months, but I still look for you everywhere I go. Sometimes I feel like we could just pick up where we had left, right before we fought. We were bestfriends, but I guess if we were truly bestfriends, nothing would get in between us. So I guess we weren’t bestfriends, but it sure felt real. It felt like a breakup with a boyfriend, but worse because from my past experience,  I truly believe bestfriends are supposed to stick around for the rest of your life. One time I thought I saw you. My heart raced, I couldn’t think straight, and I began to panic. That’s when I realized it still hurts my heart. From the minute we met, I instantly fell in love with our friendship. You made me feel confident, happy, and safe with you. I wish I could say I still felt the same. It’s been four months since we last texted. It’s been four months since I’ve seen your smile. Late at night, I tend to think about our lost friendship. It’s been four months, and I still miss you. I know it could never be the same with us. I know that if we ever see each other in person again, we will probably look the other way. I know that we have become strangers with memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thanks for a great summer and thanks for the year of friendship, stranger. If only you knew I was thinking of you.

Senior-itis

 

It all begins when you begin to walk. Your parents begin to question “what’s their next step”? They soon send us off to daycare, and before you know it, you’re in pre-school, next to kindergarten, and in a blink of an eye, you’re leaving to go to High school. Four years. Four years to make a name for yourself in your town.

Freshman year: You’re told that every year counts, make good grades, do all your homework. You listen, but you’re not listening because you’re looking at your surroundings, terrified of all the new faces staring back at you. “What did the teacher say? Do these girls like me? Do I fit in? Do the guys notice me”? You seem to be very shy, very quiet. Very intimidated by the pretty girls… That is Freshman Year

Sophomore year: You’re beginning to find the people you like to hangout with. You attend all the school sport games to support the cute guy players and your new friends who play. You think about joining some sports. You don’t try out for any. You make working out a priority, which is an amazing journey for you. You’re still very quiet, but you begin to break out of your shell. You branch out more, meet more people, discover who you like and dislike. You’re proud of yourself. You stop eating all the junk food. You go to sleepovers. You’re happier…. That is Sophomore Year.

Junior Year: You are happy. You smile so much more. You workout almost everyday, eat better (besides chocolate). You have found your friends, and are still making friends along the way! You love watching shows on Netflix. You begin to hear teachers talk about tests you have to take. You take the ACTs and SATs. You go on vacation with your closest friends for Spring Break. You spend all your weekends with your best friend since 2 years old…. That is your Junior year.

Senior Year: You made it. You’ve also flourished into a social butterfly. Everyone thinks your super sweet and funny and great. You’re happy. You’re so freaked out about applying to colleges. You visit UNCC and love the campus, but hate your moms warning about being away from home. She wants you to stay close to home. You are scared to leave highschool. You are scared of failure to be accepted into college. You are scared. You got your first real job as a cashier. You are making friends everywhere. You get super freaked out about if you and your bestfriend will go to the same school. You don’t want to lose her. You are only less then 9 weeks into your senior year…. This is your Senior year so far.

 

Life goes by quick. Live to the fullest. I’m scared of my future ahead, but I’m excited. I know everything is meant to be, and I will find my way. This was actually more about my experience in highschool, and what is going on right now. Thank you for reading ❤

XoXO, Courtney Leigh