I can’t be positive right now.

My worst fear and insecurity is showing people how sad I am sometimes. People know me as “the sweetest, happiest person they’ve known”. I’m sorry to disappoint you all.

I don’t want to feel unwanted. I don’t want to feel like they are counting down the days before I finally move out of the house for 6 months to go to Disney World. I want to feel missed, appreciated, and loved. I know you’re probably thinking, “Courtney, you’re going to Disney World. Be excited”. I am excited, but I am two months away and slowly realizing that my family is more excited about the fact that I am leaving town than going to Disney. And it hurts me. Finally, I will be a burden off their shoulders. I will officially be my own person. They will finally only have to feed their mouth, their significant others mouth, and my siblings. No more relying on them, even though I haven’t been already. I guess seeing me everyday has put a dimmer on their life and they just don’t want to see my face anymore. And can we talk about the fact that when I truly truly need to go to my dads a few days early, he states “Wednesday is date night. No kids on Wednesday. Just come Thursday.” I fucking KNOW it’s date night. Why can’t you understand that I am hurting and I needed you this ONE fucking time. Definitely noted, father. I will remember this. Thanks again! Why does nobody want me?

I know I am nineteen, but before I go to Disney, I didn’t want to feel like I am already alone??? Tears are dropping  and covering my laptop. Sorry laptop.

So my mom put these bins in my room. They’ve been sitting in the corner of my room, empty, with pieces of paper taped to them with pink sharpie letters spelling out “SELL” and “DONATE”. I am tempted to donate and sell all my clothes. Maybe then, I can finally start fresh. A clean slate. Because once my slate is clean and ready for change, I will never have to come back to the mess left behind that is my family.

So instead of talking about how excited things will be for me soon, sad things are coming too. I don’t know if things will positively change within the next two months, but if not, I might not be seeing my family for awhile, and not only because of Disney, but because they have pushed me far far far away..

Please, if you know me, please don’t share this. please don’t show people my sadness. I needed to type this out. I needed to somehow believe someone is reading this and seeing my pain, but please don’t make me a laughing stock. I will be fine. I always am.

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Four Months.

I know it has been four months, but I still look for you everywhere I go. Sometimes I feel like we could just pick up where we had left, right before we fought. We were bestfriends, but I guess if we were truly bestfriends, nothing would get in between us. So I guess we weren’t bestfriends, but it sure felt real. It felt like a breakup with a boyfriend, but worse because from my past experience,  I truly believe bestfriends are supposed to stick around for the rest of your life. One time I thought I saw you. My heart raced, I couldn’t think straight, and I began to panic. That’s when I realized it still hurts my heart. From the minute we met, I instantly fell in love with our friendship. You made me feel confident, happy, and safe with you. I wish I could say I still felt the same. It’s been four months since we last texted. It’s been four months since I’ve seen your smile. Late at night, I tend to think about our lost friendship. It’s been four months, and I still miss you. I know it could never be the same with us. I know that if we ever see each other in person again, we will probably look the other way. I know that we have become strangers with memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thanks for a great summer and thanks for the year of friendship, stranger. If only you knew I was thinking of you.