Four Months.

I know it has been four months, but I still look for you everywhere I go. Sometimes I feel like we could just pick up where we had left, right before we fought. We were bestfriends, but I guess if we were truly bestfriends, nothing would get in between us. So I guess we weren’t bestfriends, but it sure felt real. It felt like a breakup with a boyfriend, but worse because from my past experience,  I truly believe bestfriends are supposed to stick around for the rest of your life. One time I thought I saw you. My heart raced, I couldn’t think straight, and I began to panic. That’s when I realized it still hurts my heart. From the minute we met, I instantly fell in love with our friendship. You made me feel confident, happy, and safe with you. I wish I could say I still felt the same. It’s been four months since we last texted. It’s been four months since I’ve seen your smile. Late at night, I tend to think about our lost friendship. It’s been four months, and I still miss you. I know it could never be the same with us. I know that if we ever see each other in person again, we will probably look the other way. I know that we have become strangers with memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thanks for a great summer and thanks for the year of friendship, stranger. If only you knew I was thinking of you.

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New Year, New Realization

I’m about one week into the new year, and I’ve realized something that I think all girls should realize.

  • Each time we are interested in a guy, and we get up the courage to talk to that guy, we pretty much become invested in that one guy.

 

Well, being a girl who hasn’t been in a long relationship since three years ago, it was a little unusual for me to work up the courage to talk to a guy and show that I was interested in him. So when I actually worked up the courage to talk to this guy (lets give him the name “Lance”), and when we started talking, I was pretty excited (and a little shocked).

We talked for about two weeks until we had an “epic, spontaneous adventure” to Walmart for Black Friday. It was fun! One thing I forgot about myself whenever I’m starting to like someone is that I become super awkward and blush 24/7, but he didn’t seem to mind! A few days later, he asked me to go on a dinner date with him! So, reading this, you’d think things were going pretty smooth! So did I! We saw each other maybe once a week until about three weeks ago when he completely stopped asking me “what are you doing today? When are we going to hang”… There were no more “Hey! What time do you work til? 4 pm? Okay, I’m coming”…

About two weeks of no seeing each other went by, and I was getting annoyed, but I knew that we both went to different school and he was probably just busy!

Finally, we talked about everything.

“Courtney, you’re beautiful and so sweet and I’m interested in you, I just don’t know what I want right now”. WAIT? So i’ve wasted around TWO months talking to you, and you don’t know if you want a relationship….

What confused me more was that after Lance and I had our heart to heart, he began calling me beautiful all the time, texting me even more frequently, etc. I gave him one more week to see if things would change. They didn’t, and all the sudden (yesterday) he stopped talking to me completely, and I was just done with it. By this point, I already knew it was over, and honestly I felt worse leading up to talking to him about it then it actually happening and me telling him what’s up.

 

Last night (this is when we talked about it), I straight up said “Lance.. We’ve been talking for about two months, I like you. We are “talking”, right”? All I wanted to hear was “yes, we’re talking. I’m not ready for a relationship, but yeah we are talking because I like you and I think that this could lead into a relationship if we continue to talk”.

He straight up told me that he really likes me, but he isn’t sure if he wants a relationship, but he also doesn’t want to lead me on, and he told me I can continue to talk to him, but I can talk to other people too, but he wouldn’t say that continuing to talk to him would lead into a relationship with him, so ever since that conversation, I have stopped talking to him.

I don’t technically feel happy about this, because I did like him and I wanted to get to know him better and see where it could go. But, I do feel happy with the fact that I believe that I learned a valuable lesson through all this.

I finally feel ready to date again. For the longest time after my breakup of a year, I’ve felt like no one would like me. Since I have put myself out there. and it sort of worked for awhile, I feel safe to say I am ready to start showing interest in guys when I feel the need!

I’ve learned that I want someone who knows what they want and I want someone who is straight forward with me from the beginning.

I am definitely seeing this as a learning experience and I know all things happen for a reason.

I don’t see this as an end to something but just a step in the right direction!!

Also, Thank you “Lance” for showing me what I’m looking more in a guy! You honestly could’ve been a great boyfriend, but that’s okay! Maybe you’ll realize that with the next girl that comes in your life! This clearly just means you weren’t the right guy for me, and that’s okay!

 

XOXO, Courtney Leigh