I can’t be positive right now.

My worst fear and insecurity is showing people how sad I am sometimes. People know me as “the sweetest, happiest person they’ve known”. I’m sorry to disappoint you all.

I don’t want to feel unwanted. I don’t want to feel like they are counting down the days before I finally move out of the house for 6 months to go to Disney World. I want to feel missed, appreciated, and loved. I know you’re probably thinking, “Courtney, you’re going to Disney World. Be excited”. I am excited, but I am two months away and slowly realizing that my family is more excited about the fact that I am leaving town than going to Disney. And it hurts me. Finally, I will be a burden off their shoulders. I will officially be my own person. They will finally only have to feed their mouth, their significant others mouth, and my siblings. No more relying on them, even though I haven’t been already. I guess seeing me everyday has put a dimmer on their life and they just don’t want to see my face anymore. And can we talk about the fact that when I truly truly need to go to my dads a few days early, he states “Wednesday is date night. No kids on Wednesday. Just come Thursday.” I fucking KNOW it’s date night. Why can’t you understand that I am hurting and I needed you this ONE fucking time. Definitely noted, father. I will remember this. Thanks again! Why does nobody want me?

I know I am nineteen, but before I go to Disney, I didn’t want to feel like I am already alone??? Tears are dropping  and covering my laptop. Sorry laptop.

So my mom put these bins in my room. They’ve been sitting in the corner of my room, empty, with pieces of paper taped to them with pink sharpie letters spelling out “SELL” and “DONATE”. I am tempted to donate and sell all my clothes. Maybe then, I can finally start fresh. A clean slate. Because once my slate is clean and ready for change, I will never have to come back to the mess left behind that is my family.

So instead of talking about how excited things will be for me soon, sad things are coming too. I don’t know if things will positively change within the next two months, but if not, I might not be seeing my family for awhile, and not only because of Disney, but because they have pushed me far far far away..

Please, if you know me, please don’t share this. please don’t show people my sadness. I needed to type this out. I needed to somehow believe someone is reading this and seeing my pain, but please don’t make me a laughing stock. I will be fine. I always am.

Dear Negativity

Dear Negativity,

You are a bitch. You chew dreams up and spit them out. You cast a dark cloud over the heads of anyone who comes near you. You make me cry. You make me scream. You ruin my day. Yet, you’ve pushed me so far, that I am able to say I’m reaching for the stars.

So thank you for all the negativity. I appreciate it. Why? Because you pushed me to try harder, to push harder for what I believed in, TO PROVE YOU WRONG. No this doesn’t mean I want you to stick around. In fact, I’ve already pushed you out. I’ve succeeded and you have failed to make me as miserable as you.

I will be positivity. Sunshine will soak my skin and flowers will bloom in my mind. My hair will be as beautiful as my thoughts and my eyes will glisten with joy. You have shown me what it’s like to be negative. More importantly, you have shown me exactly what and who I do not want to be.

So thanks, but no thanks. You are a bitch.

Love, Positivity

“Create A YouTube Channel” I said

For years, I have loved watching other people create funny, cute, inspiring videos and upload them to YouTube. This year, one of my resolutions was to “Create a YouTube Channel”. Keep in mind I’ve said this for years, but I’ve always been scared of what people would say, or I would give up because I didn’t know what to film. I’ve always wanted to be on the screen. So finally, I created my channel. I created it around January 8th, and about two months later, I have around 250 subscribers. HELL YEAAAHHHHHH. Okay, obviously not the highest number you’ve ever seen a youtuber have, but it’s something! I hope you guys want to join me on my YouTube experience by watching my videos and subscribing!

My YouTube Channel

 

Also, I suggest that if there is anything you’ve been wanting to do for a long time but have not gotten around to do it, DO IT. Stop pushing it away and start pulling it closer to you. It’ll just be the beginning and everything will only rise from here on out!

Xoxo, Courtney Leigh

Four Months.

I know it has been four months, but I still look for you everywhere I go. Sometimes I feel like we could just pick up where we had left, right before we fought. We were bestfriends, but I guess if we were truly bestfriends, nothing would get in between us. So I guess we weren’t bestfriends, but it sure felt real. It felt like a breakup with a boyfriend, but worse because from my past experience,  I truly believe bestfriends are supposed to stick around for the rest of your life. One time I thought I saw you. My heart raced, I couldn’t think straight, and I began to panic. That’s when I realized it still hurts my heart. From the minute we met, I instantly fell in love with our friendship. You made me feel confident, happy, and safe with you. I wish I could say I still felt the same. It’s been four months since we last texted. It’s been four months since I’ve seen your smile. Late at night, I tend to think about our lost friendship. It’s been four months, and I still miss you. I know it could never be the same with us. I know that if we ever see each other in person again, we will probably look the other way. I know that we have become strangers with memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thanks for a great summer and thanks for the year of friendship, stranger. If only you knew I was thinking of you.

Don’t wear skirts w/o shorts underneath in public or on FDOC or anywhere. (1 minute read)

I just want to steal a second of your time by telling you about my first day of classes for my second semester of college, and you won’t be disappointed. Of course I decided to wear a high wasted skirt, a cute long sleeved shirt, panty hose, and some cheeky underwear. You gotta look good on the first day of classes, right? One thing I decided to take a risk on?? Shorts underneath my skirt. So, I get out of my car after driving to the grocery store that has a Starbucks where a grande salted caramel mocha frappechino was calling my name. I decided I would bring in my backpack so I could work on homework. As I’m walking in, a guy is running (and I mean RUNNING) to me. Is he going to tell me I’m cute? Is he going to ask for my number? Is this where I meet the love of my life? Are we gonna become bestfriends? No.

He says “your skirts jacked up”. I reach behind and that’s when I feel my ass, completely uncovered(: Cool. Still a chance to fall in love? lol no. Maybe he was running so fast because he saw five children ahead of me and didn’t want them to be scarred for life. It was so embarrassing. Being the chill person I am, I look at him for a second, and say “Oh”. Then I walk/walk as fast as possible away. I seriously should’ve thanked him because he saved me the humiliation in front of the whole grocery store. But instead I quickly get my frappechino drink and leave as fast as I can. To top everything off, he was right behind me in the parking lot. I could just tell that we were best buds now. I mean, once someone sees your ass, aren’t you guys then bestfriends? So hey bud, if you read this, thanks and lets hangout soon.

I’ll update this later and attach a picture of my cute ass outfit because it needs to be seen, but maybe not my ass this time. (:

If any of y’all are in college, I hope you guys are having better luck then me. In classes, love, and ass showings!

Xo, Courtney Leigh